♥ PAST .
take a walk down the alley of yesterday
July 2007 /August 2007 /September 2007 /October 2007 /November 2007 /December 2007 /February 2008 /March 2008 /April 2008 /May 2008 /July 2008 /November 2008 /December 2008 /February 2009 /March 2009 /
Tuesday, March 10
im gonna leave this blog.. remove me from your list if im on it.. =)
Saturday, March 7
life's been good lately.. sch assignments & projects are moderate.. yep.. was surprised when some friends still keep up with my blog.. cos i feel that my blog seems so non-existent already.. thanks for all concern.. ive been fine alr.. altho im still as confused as before.. keep thinking.. and figure out matters.. im sure im on the way to the light.. ha..
im confused about my personality.. i feel that im a person that always go with the flow.. just as long as there won't be any conflict involved.. a risk adverse person.. always concern about how others will judge me based on how i behave or communicate.. & that's why i rather not talk at all sometimes.. afraid that others will be judgemental on my opinions.. sounds stupid.. but im like that.. & that's perhaps thats how i look at others? it's a 2 way thing.. i guess.. also.. i feel i dun make enough effort in my life.. i dun have a real ambition.. can say that.. i live for the sake of living at times.. i know i want this i want that.. but i cant see myself in making the steps to achieve it.. i feel inferior.. keep thinking that i won't be achieving much in my life.. sigh..
it's hard to control when all these personalities have been in me since so long ago.. to change them i need time.. & its tough i must say.. i hate the way i am just to think about it.. all i can do is to keep reminding.. to keep changing.. to the way i want myself to be.. but what if i get tired of changing sometimes......
Sunday, February 1
recently i kept feeling confused.. lost.. i began to lose myself.. i don't know who am i anymore.. i don't know what i want in life.. i don't want to live aimlessly.. but i don't know what to do.. which direction to head to.. the competition in school is killing me.. i can't seem to excel anymore.. makes me so bored of school.. or rather im so scared of going to school.. to face the competitors.. i have lost all my confidence i have had when i was young.. what happened to me.. i don't feel brave or courageous.. or initiative.. i am just a wimp.. & i do not want to be one.. mom wants me to do well.. now that i can't i felt so disappointed in myself.. even in relationship.. everything seems to be going in all directions.. what i do seems wrong.. what i say seems wrong.. & i dun even know i hurt him so badly until he told me.. i hated myself.. why am i such a loser.. failing in all areas in my life.. maybe that is why i had this little thing in me growing day by day.. that i had to take out.. i cant help but thinking why dun they might jus as well take my life away when they are taking this little thing out.. maybe i won't feel as miserable snymore.. jus treat that im jus a selfish girl... im sorry..
Monday, December 1
year 2 term 1 finally over.. last paper was so shitty.. oh well.. its already over.. ya & i was sorta glad that my sickness came after my papers..
had stomachache & fever few days back.. didn't really care about it.. thought it was just normal unwell symptoms due to stress.. but it was clearly not.. my gastric was crying for help then i guess..
woke up running to the toilet to vomit yesterday.. after which my limbs went weak.. then diarrhea.. my face was completely pale.. head was spinning.. & then black out.. still i can hear mom & dad calling me.. they tried to drag me to the family clinic.. but i was too weak to walk.. & so my dad piggy-backed me.. all i hear was my mom nagging.....
i was left in the clinic for half an hour.. had an injection.. medicine on the spot.. doctor said that everything was flowing out from me & nothing is going in.. therefore my body is too weak..
bed-ridden for the day.. dreadful day..
Monday, November 3
3 more weeks to finals!
2 more weeks to AE & CAT reports!
1 more week to CAT presentation!
but all these are bearable..
as long as im in bliss.. =D
Saturday, July 19
while clearing the pics in my lappy.. found some cute pics i wld like to share...
Friday, July 18
it's been long since i last blogged.. n everytime i blog.. it will be nothing good..
for this weekend.. i just wanna be alone.. i want to spend this weekend sorting all my thoughts and stuff.. it's very irritating to have lill thoughts here and there popping into my head and had my feelings so mixed up... n also i guess my pms has escalate my depression.. to save my friends from the black face if i were to meet them.. hibernation will be a better choice..
the breakup was actually expected.. the existing prob had been bothering both of us for long.. n both knew that even if we settle now.. there bound to have another same incident coming up.. so it was mutual.. but it was so sudden that i wasn't ready to accept it that fast.. found it so silly to be tearing in front of my friends when they were busying attending to the pukiess.. yup.. the beautiful memories still linger and shadow of us hanging around places keep appearing out of no where.. sometimes bad breakup may be good when it's the hateful stuff of the person you will be thinking of and the total cut off of communication allows one to be over another fast.. a agreeable breakup will only make everything difficult.. i just need time.. i know i will be fine.. with so many friends to care for me.. calling to check if im okay.. making sure that i talk.. asking me out.. i appreciate every single thing u all have done.. bt if i din reply or pick up your calls.. i jus need to be alone for awhile.. =)
while sorting out my thoughts for the past few nights.. ive realised that ive changed.. not over these few nights.. but through these years.. its hard to put them into words.. but experiences through time can really change a person's attitude.. perspective into matters and many more.. is this consider growing up? i cant be sure.. but many encounters have made me disappointed in many stuff when i was so hopeful for and had so much faith in.. n some other areas where i don't really bother have become so important in my life.. whatever is the case.. there's only one lesson i learnt.. there is only oneself to depend on..
♥ RENA .
♥ Whispery .
♥ FRIENDS .
♥ WISH LIST.
i want to fulfil them all.
- happy always!!
- driving license by 22nd birthday
- jlpt 2
- track shoes
- nike small red/green waterbottle
- white jeans